Infertility Moments in Time
L. from my adoption group asked if I'd share my experience with infertility. I've been thinking about it for a few days, and I still don't know where to start.
On the surface, my history is marked with numbers - lots of numbers - all of them laden with possibilities:
11 treatment cycles
50+ appointments
6 physicians seen
3 biopsies
5 surgeries requiring general anesthesia
2 experimental treatments
365 days worth of twice daily injections
Out of pocket cost = tens of thousands of dollars
Insurance paid cost = hundreds of thousands of dollars
3 pregnancies
3 miscarriages
Perhaps it's about what happens when possibilities turn into improbabilities - becoming the 1% statistic detailed on the medicine packaging that everyone neglects to read:
Stage IV OHSS
30 nights in a hospital bed - 8 nights in an ICU bed
Internal bleeding
Clots, clots and more clots
Minor stroke
Major surgery
Maybe it's about the near death experience:
Yes, Dorothy, there is an Oz.
Maybe most importantly it's about this:
A well-respected reproductive endocrinologist responded to my note asking for one last consultation with a heartfelt note of her own, saying simply this: "Stop. You are lucky to still be alive."
Reading back over this so far - it's a fleeting snapshot - moments in time gone by. All this stuff above is what happened. But, I think for me - my infertility story is less about what happened, and more about how what happened changed me, in profound ways that are both good and bad, and are ultimately lasting and undeniable.
Those, my friend, are much, much harder to define. You asked me to share several days ago. I've been thinking about it - I still don't know where to start.
On the surface, my history is marked with numbers - lots of numbers - all of them laden with possibilities:
11 treatment cycles
50+ appointments
6 physicians seen
3 biopsies
5 surgeries requiring general anesthesia
2 experimental treatments
365 days worth of twice daily injections
Out of pocket cost = tens of thousands of dollars
Insurance paid cost = hundreds of thousands of dollars
3 pregnancies
3 miscarriages
Perhaps it's about what happens when possibilities turn into improbabilities - becoming the 1% statistic detailed on the medicine packaging that everyone neglects to read:
Stage IV OHSS
30 nights in a hospital bed - 8 nights in an ICU bed
Internal bleeding
Clots, clots and more clots
Minor stroke
Major surgery
Maybe it's about the near death experience:
Yes, Dorothy, there is an Oz.
Maybe most importantly it's about this:
A well-respected reproductive endocrinologist responded to my note asking for one last consultation with a heartfelt note of her own, saying simply this: "Stop. You are lucky to still be alive."
Reading back over this so far - it's a fleeting snapshot - moments in time gone by. All this stuff above is what happened. But, I think for me - my infertility story is less about what happened, and more about how what happened changed me, in profound ways that are both good and bad, and are ultimately lasting and undeniable.
Those, my friend, are much, much harder to define. You asked me to share several days ago. I've been thinking about it - I still don't know where to start.
posted by tocspaw at 9:44 AM
7 Comments:
Heather,
I knew you had been through a lot, but I had NO idea just how much. My heart goes out to you and I feel so sad that you had to endure all of this in your quest to become a parent. It's blatantly obvious how badly you want to be a mother and I can't wait to see your dream come true. I just so wish it would be sooner, rather than later.
Donna
So many sad stories out there... I had no idea yours was so traumatic medically. Mine seems tame in comparison (3 IVFs, no pregnancies). Wow. I swear, you deserve a child someday soon (I hope!)
Wow- you have been through so much more than I ever realized. And much more then I could ever handle. I can't wait to see your dream of becoming a mom come true! I just wish it would happen faster for you.
Thanks so much for being so vulnerable. Your courage & hope are powerful. I am sorry that you have dealth with so much in your journey to parenthood.
Thanks for sharing your story Heather. I'm sorry that your road to parenthood has been so difficult. I wish this road we are now on would just speed up.
Heather, thanks for sharing! I've been down that infertility road as well and would hate to try to break it down like that. Hang in there, our time will come.
You are so brave to share your story and I admire your strength and perseverance. You are an inspiration to me. Love, Laura
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