Broken Record
We've all heard it - you know, the one about where a tired, frustrated mom says to you, "If you really want children, you can have mine".
A dear infertile friend of mine was told this by a family member who said to her, "I wish I was broken like you - then I wouldn't have to worry about my kids anymore". On her behalf, I'd like to offer my own perspective on what the word "broken" really means:
A dear infertile friend of mine was told this by a family member who said to her, "I wish I was broken like you - then I wouldn't have to worry about my kids anymore". On her behalf, I'd like to offer my own perspective on what the word "broken" really means:
- Broken is an international system that holds children in orphanages longer than necessary for a myriad of reasons, not the least of which are politically motivated.
- Broken is a U.S. system that makes it incredibly hard to adopt domestically without miles of red tape and a court system quick to side with the functioning uterus.
- Broken is an agency who calls to see how we're doing during the wait, yet can offer not one shred of accurate information as to when we might receive a referral.
- Broken are the eyes of my fellow adoptive friends who right now are getting a whole lot of waiting they didn't bargain for and not a whole lot of baby.
- Broken are our sense of faith, our sense of time, and our trust as we try to wrap our heads around waiting at least another 2.5 years to adopt on top of the 5 years we've already spent trying to have a child.
So to that tired mom who so hurt my friend with her offhand banter, I ask you to rethink your position. Be grateful for the children you have, be gracious, and offer to lend some support rather than caustic commentary. With a little effort most things that are broken can be fixed, and right now, there's a whole lotta cracks to be mended.
posted by tocspaw at 8:53 AM
7 Comments:
Oh my goodness. What a horrendous, heartless comment. I am so sorry that thoughtless comments such as this to add to the pain.
Oh my god, I never cease to be amazed at the level of insensitivity. Did I tell you I'm writing a book of reflections for people during the wait? I hoep it helps people.
How horrible!!!!
We had trouble having DS... we had to live through a miscarriage, months of TTC, and then a slighly rocky pregnancy with some very early (and heavy) bleeding where we think I miscarried a twin.... but in the end we were blessed to give birth to a wonderful son.
I tell people how the m/c and TTC were the worst times in my life - and the m/c was the worst thing to ever happen to me -- i am truly grateful that I lived through it.
Because where my friends, to whom having babies comes easy, may take their kids for granted - I on the other hand savor every moment. I don't wish for easier times when he cries, I never want the "next stage" to come, and I never wish him off on anyone else.
I know that in the blink of an eye I could have miscarried him too - and I am thankful for the opportunity to be his mother. So while I'd NEVER wish a m/c or difficulty TTC on anyone -- I can say it makes the end prize (either birthed or adopted) that much sweeter!
So while this waiting you are doing sucks, and everything you are going through sucks - know that your child is out there waiting for you, and from the moment you meet then you will know that you will savor every moment for the rest of your child's life like no one else in the world!!! And that is worth all the waiting in the world!!!
I wish there was something I could do to speed up your wait - but know that my prayers are with you, and heidi, and all the other moms out there waiting for their children to be brought home!!!
You are such a sweet person to stand up for your friend.
She is very lucky to have you.
Sometimes people are just so self asorbed that they forget there manners.
You on the other hand are a very sweet compassionate person.
xoxo Dee
Well spoken and so true! Some people really have no clue about what we are going through or think before they speak! Thanks for your support ;o)
Great post Heather! Some people are just rude! Thank you for sticking up for your friend all of us who are waiting!
What a great support you must be for your friend...great example of taking life and family for granted, not realizing what a blessing it is.
Good luck with your choice to move. I so what you mean about thinking of all the things you wanted your daughter to experience in AZ since you have been living this adoption there thus far. We too are trying to move and are excited about it, yet we started this adoption journey here in FL and the friends we have made along the way b/c of adopting, I always envision arriving off that long flight from China with my daughter to the greetings of everyone in Tampa, more so than our families in KY just b/c everyone here has been such a huge part of this on a daily basis for one year now (Of course we want our families here too)...Best of Luck to you both with your decision! Nicole in FL
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