Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Tomorrow Rearranges All Of Today's Expectations

When I started this blog, I had dreams of parenthood that stretched out as far as the miles that separated us from our daughter in China. A year went by, then two, and on it went as we waited to become parents through international adoption. Tired of the endless wait, we decided to apply for domestic adoption in 2009 but domestic opportunities seemed few and competition for those situations seemed high. Over time, the weariness borne from anxious waiting chipped away at our resolve, leaving in its wake anger and sadness instead of hopeful expectation. In recent months, our conversations had turned from speculation over how long we might have to wait for a referral to whether we even still wanted to be waiting.

And then, in a matter of hours, everything changed. In mid July, we got "the call" at 6:00 p.m. that our son was born, and that we needed to be in another state to pick him up by noon the very next day. We had nothing - no nursery, no plane tickets, not a diaper in sight and most importantly, no clue that morning when we woke up that we would go to bed that night as parents.

We had nothing, yet in under 24 hours, we would have - everything.

Someone asked me the other day - so, was it all worth it? I expected to be able to say without hesitation - yes. But what came to mind instead was the years of hurt, the surgeries, the shots, the tests, the worry, the paperwork, the grind, just everything that this journey has brought. I look at our son and I value him as a only a parent can value a child. But, it saddens me that the joy is tinged with the fact that infertility changed me in ways I am both thankful and resentful to the core for. So, I guess I answer the question of "worth" like this...

All of the persistence, all of the heartache, all of the tears and yes, all of the money, were paid for one thing. Hands down - it's not a baby. All of those things, the greatest debt we've ever known, were paid for something far, far more simple - they were paid for the chance to be normal - to just throw out all the crap that stands in the way and be like anyone else who ever wanted to parent a child. Should that chance have cost that much? That's debatable. What isn't debatable is that "worth" and a child should never be used in the same sentence.

We're now the parents of an amazing little boy. To us, that is simply priceless.